A Lonely Trek to the Narrow Gate - Part Three - Quest for Peace

"Trust in Jehovah with all thy heart, And lean not upon thine own understanding:"

--Proverbs 3:5 (ASV)

There is one abiding principle I have to believe all Christians adhere to, regardless of their particular flavor. The Bible is clear in its examples that baptism only takes place after instruction (ref Acts 2:37-41, Acts 8:12, Acts 8:34-36, Acts 10:44-48, Acts 16:32-34, Acts 18:8, Acts 19:1-6, etc.). We supposedly enter into God's service with full knowledge of what that baptism commits us to, and in theory, I guess, we all know it can be hard. Then, somehow, someday, some of us get slammed in the face with a spouse who denies us the intimacy we have been promised, by no less than God's Word in the Bible, is a guaranteed part of the marriage covenant--and just how hard God's way can be lands on us like a trainload of  bricks.

Whether we "saved ourselves" for marriage or not, it still comes as a rude shock. Had we been able to predict this outcome in our worst, darkest nightmares, we most assuredly, for certain, guaranteed would not have in any unlikely conceivable fashion in the most insane of senseless, drunken or drugged moments have even possibly imagined the slightest, thinnest, remotest unfathomable possibility of contemplating to think of maybe potentially agreeing to commit ourselves to a life sentence of heartbreaking, lonely, frustrated denial to be intimate with the only entity in all of God's entire vast creation we are allowed to be intimate with. Which now seems is exactly what we did when we took our marriage vows.

We find ourselves confused, desperate and humiliated. We're too embarrassed at first to say anything to anyone about this thoroughly intimate problem, worried about what others might think of us. When we finally try to approach the subject with our spouse, we see mixed results, from those instantly cured to, well, reading blogs about what to do because all else seems to have failed.

So now what?

Well, as I mentioned in Part Two, the key to overcoming this situation is Peace. I am saying overcome because I cannot say in advance what the end result will be; but if you are at Peace, any outcome will be at least bearable, which is probably much better that what you have now. Peace is fruitage of the spirit. It usually comes along with other fringe benefits:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, self-control; against such there is no law."--Galatians 5:22-23 (ASV)

“How blessed are those who make peace, because it is they who will be called God’s children!"--Matthew 5:9 (ISV)

Sounds divine, no? Peace lets you accept Jehovah's will in the matter without resentment, without regret, without hate or anger towards your spouse. Peace lets you place other feelings into perspective, to take comfort from your ordeal, and allow you the opportunity to try and improve your situation God's way.

"Make sure that no one pays back evil for evil. Instead, always pursue what is good for each other and for everyone else."--1 Thessalonians 5:15 (ISV)

"But know that Jehovah hath set apart the pious [man] for himself: Jehovah will hear when I call unto him.

Be moved with anger, and sin not; meditate in your own hearts upon your bed, and be still. Selah.Offer sacrifices of righteousness, and confide in Jehovah."--Psalm 4:3-5 (DARBY)

"Don’t pay back evil for evil or insult for insult. Instead, give blessing in return. You were called to do this so that you might inherit a blessing. For

those who want to love life and see good days should keep their tongue from evil speaking and their lips from speaking lies.

They should shun evil and do good; seek peace and chase after it.

The Lord’s eyes are on the righteous and his ears are open to their prayers.

But the Lord cannot tolerate those who do evil.Who will harm you if you are zealous for good? But happy are you, even if you suffer because of righteousness! Don’t be terrified or upset by them. Instead, regard Christ as holy in your hearts. Whenever anyone asks you to speak of your hope, be ready to defend it. Yet do this with respectful humility, maintaining a good conscience. Act in this way so that those who malign your good lifestyle in Christ may be ashamed when they slander you. It is better to suffer for doing good (if this could possibly be God’s will) than for doing evil." --1 Peter 3:9-17 (CEB)

How can I cultivate Peace?

Since it is fruitage of the spirit, how about praying? Jehovah wants your marriage to succeed, so don't feel bashful about asking Him for help. Humble yourself before Him and follow His ways.

"In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus."--Philippians 4:6-7 (ASV)

"Cast thy burden upon Jehovah, and *he* will sustain thee: he will never suffer the righteous to be moved."--Psalm 55:22 (DARBY)

"Great peace have they that love thy law; And they have no occasion of stumbling."--Psalm 119:165 (ASV)

"Jehovah is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart, And saveth such as are of a contrite spirit."--Psalm 34:18 (ASV)

"Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Jehovah.

Lord, hear my voice: Let thine ears be attentive To the voice of my supplications.
If thou, Jehovah, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with thee, That thou mayest be feared."--Psalm 130:1-4 (ASV)

Keep up reading the Scriptures daily. Meditate on what you read and consider how you could apply what you read to your situation and let God's Peace come over you. Keep praying for Peace and do not forget Jesus' comforting words:

"I’m leaving you at peace. I’m giving you my own peace. I’m not giving it to you as the world gives. So don’t let your hearts be troubled, and don’t be afraid."--John 14:27 (ISV)

Next part, I will share what I have done to get me this far. May Jehovah grant you His Peace.

My prayers to you.


Image courtesy of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Denied One Strikes Back (or Time To Change)

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:"

--Ecclesiastes 3:1 (KJV)

Even as a Denied One, I have to admit, sometimes refusal is a no-brainer: Sick, injured, that time of the month and such, are pretty much things the other spouse has a duty to excuse, no questions asked. But how about on those other occasions? What do I consider refusal?

"You, funny man."

"Pervert. Don't you think of anything else?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"Why don't you take care of it yourself?"

"Again? We just did it last month."

And many, many others (I'm sure you have your own list.)

Refusal is a door that never opens or that gets slammed shut in your face. But once your hand is numb from all the fruitless knocking and your nose is bleeding from having that door slammed in your face once too many times, you start losing your enthusiasm and just want the pain to stop. Even if it means no more sex.

When matters have reached this point, we slowly start turning into something we don't want to be: our spouse. This is where I found myself two years ago.

Me and my bride are watching TV after the kids are asleep, when all of a sudden she gets up, turns off the TV and heads towards the bedroom, stripping off her clothes.

"Could you leave the light on," I ask her.

"Why? Aren't you coming?"

"Not yet.  I want to get in some reading first."

"Read tomorrow. Hurry up; I thought you wanted sex."

It's a trick, I tell myself, be strong!  "I'm too tired," I tell her, almost sweating with the effort.

"You said last week you wanted sex," she accuses, though, actually, it had been two weeks since I last said anything. And two and a half months since our last, brief, unsatisfactory encounter. But I wasn't stupid enough to point all that out (I do learn some things, after all.)

"I'm just too tired," I insist. She says something unpleasant and closes the bedroom door not softly (#3 is sleeping, so neither of us would dare slam the door.)  I feel proud of myself. After leaving her be for a month, gently prodding for two weeks, and whining for two more, I had decided that complete abstinence would be easier than keeping this pattern going.

Of course, I had made this decision before. Many times. Hopelessly in vain. Because, regardless of how angry, sad, empty, used, worthless, unloved, rejected, etc. I might feel, my bride is still irresistible to me. But this time, I was strong!

Ten minutes later, the door opens loudly.

Something unpleasant, she says, then. "Are you coming or not?" she barks.

"Not in the mood," I say, feeling triumphant at finally throwing back those words. She says something even more unpleasant, virtually slamming the door closed.

Ten minutes more, and I'm feeling almost giddy at my new-found freedom. YES!

The door opens again. Very softly. I look up, ready for the coup-de-gras.

And I see my own pain in her eyes.

Don't feel like such a strong man now!

I can almost see Satan sitting in the far corner, fingers twitching in greedy anticipation at what I'll do next, so I begin to ponder on 1 Corinthians 7:3 and, of course, "never return evil for evil to anyone." And then on the correct meaning of render in 1 Corinthians 7:3. So I got up and rendered to my bride the affection she was due.

[Satan Exit Stage Down]

It was short and unfinished yet, somehow, we were both satisfied--if only for one night before the next cycle began. And I have never denied her since, nor will again. I will not subject the one I love to the pain I feel. Period (I hope you're not disappointed.)

What lessons did I learn?

First, that, even though she was refusing me, she still needed to know I was interested in her. She needed me to keep asking. That was the affection she was due, and when I stopped rendering it, she got scared and when I refused her, she was hurt.

And, second, that it was time for a change:  I had taken my first step.

My prayers to you all.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When you just want to give up

"Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools."--Ecc 7:9 (KJV)

I debated with myself for a long while when I first started this blog.  Many of the other blogs out there that drew my attention seem to have been started by deniers/gatekeepers after they decided to change or by couples/denied ones after recovery was full underway.

When I finally decided to post, I was fresh with enthusiasm, riding the high of apparent success. But inside I knew it was really only a turning point: after more than four years, my bride seemed to be the passionate, enthusiastic woman I had married. Yet, I feared what if it's just a blip? What if she goes back to lucky-if-once-a-quarter? Will I have been guiding people down the wrong path? And I worried about that.

Essentially, the D/G knows if they are going to turn around or not (well, maybe not that simple, but they at least know when they are going to start the process). As long as matters have not degenerated into the D/Gd becoming a D/G themselves, the D/G is still basically in control--nothing has really changed except the "default answer", and the ones being D/Gd may not even know something has changed for a while unless it's announced. That next time they should dare to initiate might just seem as one of the "lucky days" and they might not initiate again for a while.

The main point is, the D/Gd really has no control over this process. We're just passengers on this ride: we can clean the ride, grease the wheels, repair the tracks, lay new ones, etc. But we cannot make it go nor choose where it will go. Even with curmudgeonlylibrarian's The Talk(TM) all we can do is wait and see. And that, dear readers, can be frustrating.

I went ahead and started this blog, then, knowing full-well there is the chance of a not-happy-ending. But I stand by my decision because I wanted to relate to you the trials and tribulations of a D/Gd trying to set his marriage on the right track. I won't hide my lows, of which I recently experienced (and spent moping about at ForgivenWife; I find, for me, Chris has just the right mix of "cry-on-my-shoulder, stiff-kick-in-the-butt" attitude) one. You pray, suck-it-up, and keep going. My elders are happy, at least. Their advice is the same as always: Just give it another chance.

So I do. I keep Jeremiah 17:9's advice firmly in mind, you know: "The human heart is deceitful..."  Keep your mind focused on the love you know you had and can still remember for your spouse. That your heart, even filled right now with resentment and loneliness, can once again be filled with that joy you had at the beginning and even surpass it if you just stay the course. Never give up. Never surrender. Never compromise your standing with God by contemplating anything other than Loving Your Spouse.

And, as always, take in comfort from Jehovah:

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."--1 Peter 5:6-11  (NKJV)

You are all in my prayers.

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Thou Shalt Put Out?

"But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you."--1 Cor 7:23 (KJV)

I keep seeing Christians with the view that their spouses owe them sex - on - demand.  Mind you, they will also deny this is the case, but still hold the position that a spouse sins if they just say no to sex.  They try to sugar coat it with "if they are asking reasonably" or "the spouse should delay, not outright deny" or "if they are treating their spouses well."  But come on, be honest. Isn't Sin Sin, whether sugar coated or not?

"No, your Honor, it wasn't murder. Oh, I killed him--but it was painless and I was polite about it."

"It was NOT adultery; my husband dared me to go find someone who would have sex with me."

Either it's a sin, or it's not. There is no "middle" ground, no compromise with sin. We can be forgiven our sins, but we can't dictate whether what we do is sin or not.

The loudest rallying cry for "I must be gratified," comes from misinterpreting 1 Corinthians 7:3~5, which I guess I'll post again:

"3 A husband should fulfill his obligation to his wife, and a wife should do the same for her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so just for a set time, in order to devote yourselves to prayer. Then you should come together again so that Satan does not tempt you through your lack of self-control." (ISV)

Verse 3 is said to command the spouses to "pay up" the marriage due.  Verse 4 is said to explain how each spouse really is in control of the other.  Verse 5 is said to command "you must not say no."

Problem is Verse 6:

"6 But I say this as a concession, not as a command."' (ISV) (Hmmm.)

Of course, there are scholars that believe this applies to Verse 7:

"7 I would like everyone to be unmarried, like I am. However, each person has a special gift from God, one this and another that." (ISV)

But this seems absurd.  Why, you ask?

Because Apostle Paul is clearly stating "I" and not God.  Not once, but twice: "I would like" and "like I am." There is no reason whatsoever to pre-clarify what is already, obviously, not being stated in God's behalf because of Apostle Paul's use of I.  Still not convinced? Then, I guess if you're not married, you cannot be a Christian, because in Verse 2, Apostle Paul says:

"Yes, and yet because sexual immorality is so rampant, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband." (ISV)

There is that "should" again. Not once. But twice. Ergo, everyone in the congregation should be married. And, by the way, just in case you think this is a far-fetched idea, you should know that there is no word for "bachelor" in ancient Hebrew.  Not being married by 20-or-so was generally considered a sin against God's command to fill the Earth and to be arrogantly defying Jehovah's own statement in Genesis 2:18:

"And Jehovah God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him." (ASV, emphasis mine.)

So, unless you are willing to believe Verse 6 applies to all the verses before it, you must be married to be a Christian. Straight from Apostle Paul's hand--which you know is not what he meant because of Verse 7's "I would like everyone to be unmarried, like I am."

And, thus, we come to the clincher: Verse 1:

"Now about what you asked: “Is it advisable for a man not to touch a woman inappropriately?”" (ISV)

Can you see it now more clearly?  Verses 2 ~ 7 are in direct response to the question in Verse 1, and the only way Apostle Paul cannot be contradicting himself in Verses 2 and 7 is if Verse 6 applies to Verses 2~5. Because otherwise, if Verse 6 applies to Verse 7, or does not go all the way up to Verse 2, in Verse 7 Apostle Paul would be recommending the "sin" of singleness. And there is No Way he would be recommending sin.

Hopefully, this will stop people from beating their spouses with 1 Corinthians into submitting to unwilling sex. Because we all know what you call unwilling sex, right?

So, when your spouse says "no,"  should it have been better phrased? Of course. Should it have been a delay and not an outright no? Probably. Should they explain themselves? If they are wise, yes. Do they owe you an explanation? Absolutely not. Are they sinning? Most certainly not.  So deal with it. God's way

"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."--Romans 12:17-21 (ESV)

In conclusion, then, even if your spouse tells you "no" with annoying regularity, unless it is a constant or long term, continuous pattern of refusal, they are not sinning.  But you obviously have something going on that needs addressing.  Pray for insight, keep humble, and keep your faith. Remember, Jehovah wants you to have a happy, joyful marriage. But he will only help.  You must make it happen.

My prayers go with you all.

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Porned Again Christians

Trying to help Christian couples through intimacy issues brings the inescapable reality of having to deal with the Big P.  So I thought I might as well get it over with and add my few cents worth, and having experience sort of "on both sides" of the camera probably gives me a slightly different viewpoint than what one might expect of a Christian.

Porn has entered a new Age in these modern times where so much material is not being made from the exploitation of others, nor is in anyway exploiting viewers in an economic sense anymore. Vast amounts of material is being made available free of charge by more-than-willing participants to on-line repositories for free viewing at large over the Net. So, within this new context then, this new Age of Porn, I absolutely cannot see anything wrong with porn in the socio-economic sense. Scandalized? You shouldn't be. You should be pleased. The traditional "commercial" porn industry is reeling under the pressure of all this free porn, so much so that some begin to wonder if the industry will collapse altogether--and that is not a bad thing.

The days of vicious exploitation of both performers and viewers are slowly disappearing, muffling--or at least taking some of the wind out of--many of the rallying cries from social groups at large.  Porn now becomes a matter of personal freedom of expression (and we all know how the average person feels about their freedoms), not sexual-economic slavery to cruel commercial interests--and this is not a bad thing, either.

All that being said, in a secular sense, I am even able to see some benefits to porn and, also in the secular sense, with the growing loss of victimization, porn is ceasing to be immoral.

But I don't live in a secular sense any more.

With morality being characterized as the behavioral norm of rational beings to minimize harm/maximize benefits within a specific social context, it is then easy to see how nowadays porn is becoming "acceptable" in secular society.  Be that as it may, however, the social context I chose to live in is Christianity, and within this particular context, spiritual well-being is paramount to our long-term survival. And those of us within this social context have willingly accepted and proclaimed through baptism that the "norm" for maintaining that spiritual well being is found in God's Word to us through the Bible.

And when considering porn, just one example of what that Word tells us is:

"Let us walk properly, as in the day; not in reveling and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and lustful acts, and not in strife and jealousy."--Romans 13:13 (AMP)

"Not in sexual promiscuity" outright eliminates performances by unmarried couples (it would be either fornication or adultery). But even when the performers are married to each other, unless the viewers are also married to the performers, what is supposed to be a Godly, loving, expression of affection degenerates into nothing but a lustful act (action with intent to promote erotic feelings in others outside of the marriage bond).  Same goes if a third party is present to record the act, because that one-flesh communion is exclusive to those involved in the marriage, and could even now be argued to be fornication because the recorder, just by his presence, can be said to be involved in, or directly influencing, the act.

How about "single" performances?  Well, unless the viewers are married to the performer, these are also, at the least, lustful acts (refer to the cameraman, above.)

That about covers making porn.  Do I really need to also explain viewing porn? Or is the term "lustful act" self-explanatory enough?

And I would also caution against so-called erotica. Do not fool yourselves. It's main intent is just that: Arouse the reader. That, by definition, is pornography.

So, here we have Jehovah lovingly informing us what kind of behavior is sinful, i.e. spiritually damaging. Which means porn has now regained that old tendency to victimize (harm) both those performing and viewing it and therefore becomes immoral to Christians.

And yet, we have a growing prevalence of porn among Christians. 

Go figger. 

From scurrying-in-the-dark-ashamed to the in-your-face-screensaver-proud users, porn retains a strong hold on many Christians and is a lure for many others. A standard term that I have noticed is "porn addiction," which, although, I think is thrown around too much (I prefer "porn habit," which I believe is more descriptive of most of cases) I recognize that there are such individuals.

Yet Proverbs 26:2 always comes to mind:

Like it or not, porn fulfills a need in the viewer.

You must realize that there are reasons for a porn habit (although these are not excuses).  Kicking a porn habit is much easier than you'd think, but can still be the most difficult thing you can do. A trained counselor or experienced elder can help. But you can also kick the habit on your own, if you are willing to be completely honest with yourself and really want to change. To start, the next time you watch porn, ask yourself while you're watching:

"Why am I watching this stuff, anyway?"

Now, don't go and watch porn just to answer the question (your answer will be obvious--and wrong.) But the next time you find yourself doing it "naturally," sort-to-speak, ask away. The answer might surprise you. I don't mean the superficial stuff, like "they have such big ___." I mean dig deep inside yourself and get to the root of the problem. Why are you watching, anyway? Feel lonely? Curious? Angry? Resentful? Rejected? Jealous? Pray, truly pray, for insight into your habit (ref 1 John 5:13-15), because without it, you won't be able master this obstacle for good, and it will keep dragging you back into its clutches.

Not all porn is created equal.

You can tell a lot about a person from the porn they watch, or didn't you realize the porn industry is as targeted as any other industry? From genre, performer's appearance, story line, feature length, etc., all for a specific audience. Just saying someone watches porn is like saying they eat lunch.

Pay close attention to what is being watched and gain insight into the habit. Do you watch (regular) soft/ hard/ extreme porn? (I hate to mention these, and some are illegal) Do you watch kiddie porn or "fake" kiddie porn or bestiality or same-sex? Water sports? True BDSM?

There is much you need to learn about your habit.  

Not all viewing habits are equal.

Determining if you have a true "addiction" can be difficult. So when, where, how and how often can also be good indicators to the extent of the problem. Are you secretive or blatant or just private? Do you watch by yourself? Do you masturbate (sometimes, always, never) when you watch? Do you want your spouse to watch with you? Do you watch the same videos over and over? Do you watch the whole movie or just the sex scenes or just the "money shots"? Do you watch before, during or after sex with your spouse? Do you watch basically "anytime, anywhere?"

All these are clues that need looking into. Once you have a clear picture of your habit, you will more than likely start to see where the "need" is. Then you will have to deal with that. And suck it up: There is a good chance your spouse will be involved or need to be involved.  If not, so much, so good. You can spare them some pain, although at some point, you should tell them about it.  Keeping secrets is not that good--eats away at your peace of mind.  You might also discuss with your elders--they are usually quite happy and supportive of those kicking a porn habit. And there is that "worst-case-scenario" where you might determine you need professional counseling. Get it.  As soon as you can. 

For those suddenly discovering their spouse has a porn habit.

First of all, my heart goes out to you. But if self-righteous anger is all you want to gain from this blessing, then ignore what follows. And, yes, I said Blessing. I think we could safely apply 1 Corinthians 7:16 in this case as well as James 5:19-20: You have the chance to bring your spouse back from the "dark side" if you are up to healing your spouse (which is in effect what they need).

If you are well grounded and your faith is up to it, you can try to handle this within your marriage first. But if you have any doubts, please, by all means as soon as possible, seek assistance from an elder or counselor.

It is mostly the same advice: Pay close attention to what is being watched and gain insight into the habit. Honestly and frankly discuss with them what they find so appealing. Many see porn as "victim-less" and do not stop to consider a spouse's feelings. Do not let anger creep in; they will see it as jealousy. Do not say things like "dirty", etc. That is judgmental and we are not supposed to be judging each other plus it will make them defensive. Focus on your feelings, how you feel about their habit. Calmly let them know the porn habit is not acceptable, won't be tolerated, and that they must strive to eliminate it within a reasonable length of time, and that you will do all you can to help

Realize this, however:

1. Praying to God to change your spouse will not work. Why? Jehovah has granted all of us free will. He will not intervene in that way.

2. Since God will not change your spouse, do not think you have the right to, either. They must change themselves.

3. Remember: When this system of things comes to an end, not everyone will have a happy ending. And porn puts one on the short list for the "not happy" side.

4. You should not be angry at your spouse. Be angry at what is causing them to watch porn. Feel sorry that they have a weakness that could end up costing them everlasting life.

5. Porn addiction can be overcome. Once it has, though, it might put much more sexual demands on you. You cannot then cry "they need it too much". You will have to find a compromise.

6. You cannot compete with porn. Except with these vital exceptions: Love and presence. When you are intimate, make sure you show up. Give them your undivided attention and show them you love them and want them--words will not get through. You have the advantage here: you know them intimately well--or at least you will by now.

7. Keep your perspective. Many of the posts in the various marriage blogs bring tears to my eyes. If all you have to deal with is a porn problem, you might want to consider yourself lucky.

And remember to keep praying. God is your biggest ally and he wants you to have a happy marriage.

My prayers go with you.

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