A Lonely Trek to the Narrow Gate - Part Two - Choosing your path

"Like a flitting sparrow, like a flying swallow,

So a curse without cause shall not alight."--Proverbs 26:2 (NKJV)

After months, maybe years, without intimacy from your spouse, you eventually come to a crossroads.  At first you wonder why you are here, then wonder why it took so long for you to see what was happening to your life, then despair as you contemplate the rest of your life in this hopeless, pathetic, humiliating and heart-broken state.

This is definitely not what I signed up for at the wedding!

To speed up things, I am not going to try and examine how we reached this state, because we all have our own unique stories, regardless of how many similarities we may share. And, to put it simply,

It is irrelevant.

Good news is, since you're here reading this, you have at least taken that first step to restoring your life.  You have chosen to do something.  What will you choose to do, though?  Personally, I only see two choices available to a Christian (hence the cute illustration): Bail out (the quick route) or hunker down for the long haul (i.e., take the scenic drive.)

Whichever path you take, in the first part of this series I put down some thoughts that will apply to either journey.  I will not judge, or even think less of you for that matter, should you decide the quick route is best for you.  How could I, seeing as my own trials have only lasted 4 years, while some of you have agonized 10 years, 20 years or even more?  But my hopes and prayers are you will take the scenic route as I did, because you can always bail out at some later date--but once you do, you're off the road, pretty much for good.  My aim is to help those wanting to take the scenic journey to a happy, intimate marriage, to take in full the joy our God wants us to enjoy with our spouse.

Your mission, dear reader, should you decide to accept it, is. . .

Probably not what you think. But if you take the time to ponder with an open, clear mind on what is most truly lacking in your life right now, you will probably arrive at the same conclusion:

Peace.

Can you see how this might work for the good? Well, if not, I'll get to that, but right now I need to let you know that I am making a few assumptions.  I need to do this because, without these, this journey will probably get you nowhere really slow. They are (in order of importance):

1. You love God.
2. You love your spouse.
3. You want a happy marriage (with aforementioned spouse, of course.)

1. You love God.

This is always important, even more so for Christians. When Jesus, the Greatest Teacher was asked:

“Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

He replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your being, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment."

Matthew 22:36-38 (CEB)

Seems reasonable; after all, he created us and all this marvelous universe around us. But do you truly understand the meaning of this passage?  And why it is so important?  Put simply,

Your relationship with Jehovah is the most important relationship you can or will ever have.  More important even than your spouse, your children, parents, etc.

Seems kind of demanding, uh?  But this is what our baptism demands (emphasis mine):

"I am Jehovah thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me."--Deut 5:6-7 (ASV)

"I demand your complete loyalty—you must not worship any other god!"--Exodus 34:14 (CEV)

That was basically Adam's sin.  He idolized his wife by making her more important than God, obeying her instead of God when he accepted the forbidden fruit from her hand--and we still pay the price for that.  And why is loving God so important?

"If we love and obey God, we know that we will love his children. We show our love for God by obeying his commandments, and they are not hard to follow."--1 John 5:2-3 (CEV)

Simply stated, by truly loving God, we will love our fellow man and obey God's commandments, which are really not that difficult (although easy to stray from every now and then.) And this hooks into number 2.

2. You love your spouse.

If you didn't, you probably would not have married them (OK, I admit this is not always the case, but I think I speak for the majority of cases.)  The important thing is, even after all your tribulations to this point, you still have some spark left, however small, for your spouse.  Or you think you might, buried deep in the cesspool of bitterness, anger and loneliness.  Or you want to re-ignite that otherwise dead flame all over again.

Remember that as a Christian, you should still love your spouse as a person even if not as a spouse anymore. As a Christian, you should not have any place for hatred of your fellow man in your heart:

"The one who claims to be in the light while hating a brother or sister is in the darkness even now. The person loving a brother and sister stays in the light, and there is nothing in the light that causes a person to stumble. But the person who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and lives in the darkness, and doesn't know where to go because the darkness blinds the eyes."--1 John 2:9-11 (CEB)

So if you find yourself harboring some hate in there--let it go.  Open your eyes and come back into the light.  It is OK to hate someone's actions, but you should not hate the person doing them. Always remember Proverbs 26:2--there is reason for their actions.  It's just that you--and maybe even they--do not know what it is.

3. You want a happy marriage (with aforementioned spouse, of course.)

Which is, of course, the goal of this series.  There is one critical fact you must always keep in mind to make this goal a reality:

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."--Genesis 2:24 (ESV)

We have all heard it. But, again, do you truly understand the implications of this passage? And why it is so important? This might sound familiar:

Your relationship with your spouse is the most important human relationship you can or will ever have.  More important even than your children, parents, etc.

At the end of the day, your kids will leave you to start their own families, your parents are finally free from the burden of caring for you, your siblings are busy with their own families as well.  The one who will be at your side then, cleaning up after you when you're sick or enjoying a stroll in the park with you when you're hale, is your spouse.  And that, my friend, deserves the status of most important human relationship, don't you think?

"Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun."--Ecclesiastes 9:9 (KJV)

Until the World To Come arrives, your spouse is supposed to be your reward, your incentive, your companion and partner down the cramped road to the narrow gate. I know it seems, is, a lonely trek right now, but that is why we started down this path.  To make what is supposed to be a reality.

I will get into "why peace" next post.  In the meantime, think about it.

My prayers go with you.

Image courtesy of tongdang at Freeut DigitalPhotos.net

Our Desires in Perspective

"And they brought him to the place called Golgotha..."--Mark 15:22 (ESV)

Having spent four years literally begging for a chance to be intimate with my bride, with less than half of those rare, months-apart encounters truly satisfying, I find myself troubled when faced with giving advice to those whose major problem is not getting OS or the cowgirl treatment. I am troubled because I wonder if I am actually pathetic because I seem to lack sexual ambition.

Mind you, if my bride ever found it within her heart to bless me with OS, I would probably never be able to thank her enough (though I would definitely try.) It's just that I don't--need it.

When I was younger, I spent several years half-in/half-out of the dark side of sex.  I had gone through a critical time stuck in a hole that saw me attempt suicide before I turned to the "seedier" side to climb back out.  And I did manage to climb out because what I observed there showed me how insignificant my problems really were.  But I was always a spectator.  I wasn't interested in participating--well, yes I was. However, uncommitted sex did not appeal to me, and as I drew closer to several of these girls, mostly strip-club dancers--but also a couple of straight-to-video (brand new concept back then) porn-stars--that viewpoint became even stronger.

These young ladies took me everywhere (I had a nice car then, and even money at the beginning) .  Dancer bars, other strip clubs, live sex shows where they'd be performing, some *exotic* shows as well.  I was the "safe guy." They asked my opinion on how to make their performances more "real" and exciting.  We're talking minute, intimate mechanics here. Extremely weird for a virgin male. They called me when they were too drunk to get home, when they wanted to go shopping, or after they fought with their boyfriend-of-the-month. The most common thing I heard among these ladies they all liked "plain-vanilla" sex. They craved it; for them it was special. Well, perhaps things have changed since those days.

As my senses returned, my funds disappeared, and I got wiser, I gradually stepped out of the shadows.  I tried, really tried, to get those girls out as well.  But they didn't want out, not really.  Had I been in the Truth then, well--I probably would never had met them, anyway.  I did buy airplane tickets for a couple of them though, but they returned after a two or three months, right back where they started.  Said they liked the life too much, had gotten addicted to the "freedom" of sex, that "plain vanilla" had lost its appeal.

Sex had become their burden to bear on the way to Golgotha.

I think those years drifting through the shadows, experiencing life there, has affected me in a deeper way than I had previously thought.  Seeing first hand how sexual desires can take hold and dominate your entire being in ways you never thought possible has probably killed my taste center for sex.  Don't get me wrong: I long for it, desire it, want to get as much as I can.  But whatever "acts" my bride gifts me with is enough in those times she is warm, ready and willing.  What else do I really need?  Or could possibly want? I'll still end up at the same place, if only a little faster or slower: Satisfied and in my beloved's arms.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to spice up/change up your sex life.  Nothing at all.  Our God has given us remarkable freedom in this area.  But when this "wanting something new" begins to dominate our thoughts, even though we might otherwise be enjoying a bountiful sex life, it slowly leads us to resent or even coerce a spouse who, for whatever reason, won't indulge us with our whim.  And then we have let ourselves become a greedy slave to our desires--we have become Idolaters (Col 3:5)

Sex becomes our burden to bear on the way to Golgotha.

And on which side of the Christ do you think we will be placed?

Keeps your desires in perspective, doesn't  it?

Image courtesy of digitalart and Vlado at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Just what is it we think we are doing?

First of all, let me apologize.

This was not my intended next post.  It took me a lot of effort to get the last one together, and this next one was supposed to open the door on how I found a path to bring healing to my marriage.

Instead, my dander's up.

I'm a private person.  I only tend to open up to certain people about my problems, but as I embarked on the journey to make my marriage work, Jehovah decided to give me the strength to try and bring comfort to others through his Word.

There are many Bloggers out there, all with their own stories and reasons and wonderful sites, and I am sure they all have their own opinions on this particular issue that has me on the warpath.  I cannot claim to have read every post on every blog out there, but I have read *many* while trying to get insights into my own problems, and I started noticing certain attitudes pop up here and again.

But in the last couple of days, the pot finally boiled over.  I'm a newbie at this, maybe too zealous, not many posts up, no followers yet, typing away madly to get my thoughts out to those to whom it might make a positive difference in their lives. I'm not doing this for fame. Definitely not for money. I believe those who need to find this Blog will find it through the grace of God, just as I found those Blogs that sealed my decision to rebuild my marriage into something worthy of Jehovah.

We try to build up people through their faith. To explain and show how God's infinite love brings about change and happiness into people's lives, how it can revitalize a marriage. That being Christian means we can draw upon our God in times of distress to our advantage and joy.

And then we keep running into comments like:

"You need to dump your spouse now, while you still have something to offer someone else. Life's too short..."

"You only have one life, so don't waste it on someone who. . ."

But that sort of thing, while irritating, was not what set the geyser off.

There is an ongoing controversy about "non-traditional" wedding cakes.  It has happened in more than one country, and it has gotten to the point that it has reached the marriage Blogs. And the "Comment" was made that burnt my cookies:

"...BUT I don't think they should have turned them down based on their personal religious beliefs"

And I picture this long line of martyrs in various coliseums, so many centuries ago, being thrown to the lions, burned at stakes, flayed alive, just because they wouldn't lite a stupid little bit of incense. What would they think of that comment?

So, is this what Modern Day Christianity is?  A set of religious beliefs?

Jesus Christ descended from Heaven into the lowly form of a man, went through the same life as any man for 30 years, then selflessly took up his ministry exclusively and exhaustively to preach the Good News of God for the last three years of his SHORT life.  He was then betrayed by one of his closest associates into the hands of his enemies, those who should have been his ardent supporters.  He was humiliated, tortured, ridiculed, "nailed to the wood"--the most degrading form of death for an Israelite, suffered an excruciatingly painful death as an innocent, blameless, soul between two criminals, all for his

"personal religious beliefs?"

Why don't we just drive a few more nails into our Savior?

Yes, life IS too short. And we should be praying every day, thanking our God that it is not any longer, that we do not have to continually go through an endless life of pain, injustice and suffering among the ever-increasing number of people who despise and belittle what we have faith in. We should be grovelling in thanks that Jehovah sent us His only begotten son, Jesus, the Christ, for allowing him to choose to suffer for our sake, so that through our faith in the value of his sacrificial death and our actions in support of that faith, we might attain the forgiveness of our sins. 

For what?  To enjoy this "one life?"  No. But so that we might attain the real life, the eternal life in the World to Come.

Christianity is NOT a set of religious beliefs.  It is a way of life.

It is The Way, The Truth and The Life.  Everlasting life.

My prayers to you all.


Image courtesy of CNaene at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Lonely Trek to the Narrow Gate - Part One - What You Need To Know First

"For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life,

and those who find it are few."

Matthew 7:14 (ESV)

"Make me know Your ways, O Lord;

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are the God of my salvation;

For You I wait all the day."

Psalm 25:4-6 (NASB)

I am writing this particular post for those who, like me, are dealing with spouses who deny intimacy. While some of this post could apply to other situations, I am definitely not considering this post adequate for those dealing with spousal abandonment, adultery or abuse.  Those are different paths than the one I describe here.

Now, when I say intimacy, I really do mean more than just sex, although I would say sex (at least to most men) is the most contested ingredient of intimacy. Sometimes it is the first part to be noticed as missing, sometimes the last, and, in general, men suffer most from loss of sex. One thing is for certain, though, and that is intimacy in a Christian marriage cannot be separated from sex.

Why, you ask?

Because the only entity in God's entire creation we are allowed to have sex with is our spouse.

And, folks, that degree of exclusivity is, by definition, intimate.

I have set down some of my thoughts on the give-and-take of intimacy, as it is a part of the marriage due, in this post, but let's examine this in a slightly different manner before we start, because it will come into the discussion later.  With intimacy, as I see it:

A spouse always has the right to refuse, but a duty not to.

A spouse always has the right to ask anytime, but a duty not to expect.

This is not the paradox it might seem.  First off, your rights come from the fact the Jehovah created you as a free moral agent with the right to choose your own courses of action (Deu 30:19-20, Jos 24:15.)  So, where then, does the duty come from?  Well, does this sound familiar?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."  1 Corinthians 13:4~8 (NIV) (Goosebumps, every time I read this.)

See the underlined part?  We need to be looking for our spouses interests, not ours.  I won't bandy more on the semantics of intimacy here--different strokes and such.  But without it, we feel incomplete, detached from our spouse, unloved, rejected, despised, ridiculed, sad, ugly, unworthy--to list just a few. It is truly a very powerful thing. Nor am I going to bandy about why, rightfully or wrongfully, you're being denied. For this post,

It is irrelevant.

What this post is about is how to deal with long-term, consistent denial of intimacy in a way pleasing to God. Let's begin with some information you need to know.

1. Your spouse is sinning.  You are being wronged.

Might as well get this out first.  Do you feel better knowing it?  Feel righteousness bubbling up inside you? Here's the hard truth:

It is irrelevant.

2. You do not have the right either to demand or expect your spouse to change.

This is starting to get depressing, eh? Since your spouse is a free moral agent, even Jehovah will not impose on, or demand from them, change.  And if He does not,

why do you think you can?

3. You must realize that always, whatever you do, you are doing it for your own reasons.

Even with a gun against your head, you always have the choice of what to do. They might not be pleasant choices, mind you, but they are yours to make. Again, Jehovah made you a free moral agent. This means:

You. Must. Take. Responsibility. For. Your. Actions. 

This is very profound.  So much so, that many never really grasp it or accept it, instead, always complaining "You made me do this." (I do realize there is such a thing as "reduced capacity," but since that is usually part of a severely abusive relationship, I will not cover it here.)

4. Satan is Real.

And, Apostle Peter warns us, he is out to get us.

"Be clear-minded and alert. Your opponent, the Devil, is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."--1 Peter 5:8 (ISV)

If you pay attention, you can see Satan at work.  But do not despair! Satan only has whatever power over you that you give him because,

Not even Satan can take away your freedom to choose.

Without it, the Adversary is powerless. He must get you to choose to follow him (ref mat 4:1-10); that is how you recognize his work: when you are faced with choices or courses of action, there will be clear differences between them: Clearly God's way and not.  Careful, though.  Satan is patient and tricky.  Sometimes the not won't be per se sinful.  But it will definitely not be clearly God's way. And so you start down the dark path, as James warns us:

"We are tempted by our own desires that drag us off and trap us. Our desires make us sin, and when sin is finished with us, it leaves us dead."--James 1:14-15 (CEV) (Emphasis mine)

But we can resist!

"Surrender to God! Resist the devil, and he will run from you."--James 4:7 (CEV)

As you start consistently choosing God's way, the number of choices Satan offers become fewer and farther between, and though he never truly gives up, he goes looking for riper targets.

"So the Devil left him, and angels came and began ministering to him."--Mat 4:11 (ISV)

5. This is going to hurt.  A lot.

Can't hide this. You need full disclosure. I am truly sorry, but the hurt, emptiness, humiliation, longing, frustration, desperation, disappointment--these do not go away.  But they do become bearable.  On the positive side, the anger, resentment and--yes--hate, these do go away.  Do not let your suffering bring  you down!  As the Apostle Peter reminds us:

"For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps"--1 Peter 2:19-21 (NKJV) (Emphasis mine)

And do not forget what the Apostle Paul says!

"for God is not unrighteous to forget your work and the love which ye showed toward his name, in that ye ministered unto the saints, and still do minister"--Hebrews 6:10 (ASV) (Emphasis mine)

6. Your faith will be tested like never before.

I put this in here because most will probably not have faced so severe a trial. If you have, then this post is probably just a curiosity for you, because you likely already know what to do. You need to draw strength from the Scriptures. Read them. Meditate on what they say. Bring them into your heart. Get to know Jehovah for the kind, loving God he is, and remember he is not your enemy.

"God will bless you, if you don’t give up when your faith is being tested. He will reward you with a glorious life, just as he rewards everyone who loves him.  Don’t blame God when you are tempted! God cannot be tempted by evil, and he doesn't use evil to tempt others."--James 1:12-13 (CEV) (Emphasis mine)

7. Your marriage can be saved and be better than before!

When I started down the path to rebuild my marriage, I didn't know where to start.  All I knew is I wanted to follow God's way, because nothing else had worked.  I was full of complaints about my bride, my heart was in pieces, and I just wanted out. But this is my second marriage, and I was not going to give up without a fight.  At the time, I was reading James, and one Scripture popped up.

"Do not complain about each other, brothers, or you will be condemned. Look! The Judge is standing at the door! As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets, who spoke in the name of the Lord. We consider those who endured to be blessed. You have heard about Job’s endurance and have seen the purpose of the Lord—that the Lord is compassionate and merciful."--James 5:9-11 (ISV)

And that was the "kick in the butt" I needed.  Shortly thereafter, I ran into the these two Blogs that I follow: Intimacy In Marriage (Julie Sibert) and Forgiven Wife (Chris Taylor).  These two Blogs, written by women who themselves had been denying intimacy to their spouses and-on their own--changed, made me leap with joy.  I knew then I was on the right path--Take the initiative.  How much quicker if you start earlier? You know, stop complaining--DO something about it. Don't fix the blame--fix the problem.

God's way.

I will tell you about the particular path I have taken in my next post.  In the meantime, keep this in your heart and your mind:

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."--1 Peter 5:6-11  (NKJV)

You are all in my prayers.


Image courtesy of Matt Banks at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

First Step: Where do we go from here?

"But shouldest thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Yet such shall have tribulation in the flesh: and I would spare you."--1 Cor 7:28 (ASV)

We are forewarned, and yet we still go ahead and get married.  For whatever reasons we each might have, at some point we run into a person that just--well, you know--makes it tick.  As we get to know each other, that tick gets louder and louder until it drowns out everything else--even our common sense.

The tick is different for everyone.  What makes one person resonate with us might cause an unpleasant clang of discord with another.  As a matter of fact, if we look back at any previous relationship, we'll probably notice that the tick was different each time. Something to know, however, is that the tick has a lifetime--one could even say, a half-life:  after a certain time, half of what remains is gone.  And so it goes with relationships: as the tick decays, we drift apart, and eventually find someone else that makes us tick.

But we're not going to talk about the average (or less tan average) relationship. Let's focus on the high-octane ones. Why? Because, as Paul warns, even those will "have tribulation on the flesh."

What makes these relationships superior? Well, many things could.  Things that are more important to us tick louder and maybe even longer, so if someone makes us tick in those ways, then long-term relationship becomes possible, even leading into marriage.  And then you have the best ones, where other things begin to tick as well, and you now have more than resonance: you have synergy.  Synergy, where together you are more than you are apart.

But the tick still has a lifetime. And never forget:

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8-ESV).

If that were not enough, Satan himself does not even need to be involved, as Solomon explained:

"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all." (Ecclesiastes 9:11-ESV, emphasis mine.)

So, as happens in all marriages, something, sometimes, goes CLANG.

But, as with what ticks, what clangs has different importance to each of us and changes over time.  Many times it CLANGS only in us--our spouse does not even notice.  But, whether they notice or not, that once harmonious marriage develops a dissonance that, if ignored, drowns out all that is good, reaching such levels that it can drive us away permanently from our spouse--even to divorce.

Even if we try to remedy that clang, as Solomon pointed out, we can still fail to fix the problem, and as we get closer and closer to that point of no return, we lose motivation to even try anymore.

So.  Where do we go from here?

Figuring that out is the first step.  But, if you're here, reading this or any of the many other wonderful Christian Blogs out there, you have already taken that first step.  It is terrifying, yet exhilarating.  Joyous, yet full of dread.  It is humiliating, yet makes you proud.  Like it or not, admit it or not, it makes you tick.

Whatever direction that first step is taking you, know that your Christian brothers and sisters are praying for you and want to offer you whatever help they can. Keep your faith strong, your prayers sincere, and put yourself in God's hands.

Confused? Thought I was going to tell you where to go?  I'm not wise enough for that.  Trust in Jehovah and he will guide you where you need to go.

Your first step was just that: Going anywhere but sitting still while your marriage sinks.  Taking responsibility to do something, anything and stop being a just a passenger in your own life.  If you allow, God can show you the way; but he won't make you move. You did.

What a magnificent first step.  Kudos.

My prayers are with you.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Render?

" Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband."--1 Cor 7:3 (KJV).

I'm using the KJV translation because the wording is closer to the definition of  "the due" as I have come to understand it after my studies; I'll get to that in due time (sorry; couldn't resist.)  

I find it so incredibly mind boggling how many Christians can be so vehemently hostile to this vital passage. They immediately bristle, feeling violated, like their God-given rights have been trampled all over (ironic, don't you think?) and run to the dictionary.

Merriam-Webster
Dictionary
1 render
    verb ren·der \'ren-dər\

: to cause (someone or something) to be in a specified condition

: to give (something) to someone

law : to officially report or declare (a legal judgment, such as a verdict)      


Aww, crap, they think, Trapped!  But I guess I can do it.  It's God's Law.

"It's time to have sex now," they declare coldly to their spouse, who looks up in total surprise from the other room where they are reading a book on the virtues of celibacy.

It's that time again, the spouse thinks, shuddering with dread. Now. After three months! Why can't I just finish my book?  I don't want to go through this again!  Why am I so weak?  What is wrong with me? is their final thought as they wander, zombie-like, to the bedroom.

This scenario is probably familiar to many out there.  It is to me. And, to many others out there, it is also quite inconceivable. So, if this is familiar to you, read on, give me your thoughts.  If it is not, then read on, and get some insight into the hidden plight of your fellow Christians, and leave some inspiration for those who need it.

The interpretation of 1 Cor 7:3~5 causes EXTREME anguish in both spouses.  On top of the pain and suffering a denied spouse rightfully feels, they also get the impression that their God-Given Right to Have Sex is being abused by their spouse, adding indignation to their already bitter soup of misery.  The denying spouse becomes resentful even towards God for having to do something that--for whatever reason--they. Just. Don't. Want. To. Do.  This brings even more resentment, maybe even hatred, toward the other spouse for putting them in the situation where they have to come into conflict with God in order to preserve their identity as a free human being with the God-Given Right to Say "No."

Quite the conundrum, huh?  Who's right?  What's to be done?  Well, in this particular passage, unfortunately, the denying spouse is correct.

WHAT??!!! ARE YOU INSANE??! ! How CAN YOU, a DENIED SPOUSE even THINK of SPEWING THAT GARBAGE??!! (see, I anticipated you.)

AH-HAAH.  I'M FREE!  FREE!  FREE!   FREE!  NEVER AGAIN!!!!  (see, I anticipated you, too.)

OK.  Now that it has quieted down (and hopefully no one has bashed their computer/smartphone/tablet against the wall,) let us see just how one can arrive at this conclusion:

Reason #1. God-given rights DO NOT and CAN NOT *EVER* come into conflict with one another.

Growing up in Argentina, there was a saying: "Your rights end where mine begin," and this rule of thumb applies here.  But why does the denier's rights prevail?  Simple: Each spouse's suffering from a deprivation of their rights (either for Sex or to Say No) can be seen as equivalent.  So the "trump card" becomes this: Favoring the Right-To-Sex would strip away the dignity of the denier, an "exposure of their nakedness," so to say, while experiencing sex denial in no way removes the denied one's dignity.  It actually enhances it.

Reason #2. 1 Cor 7:3~5 is NOT a command from Jehovah.

[Deleted paragraph.  After a second reading, it dawned on me this paragraph was detracting from the main point.  Sorry to those who might have been put off by it.]

But, back to 1 Cor 7:3~5 not being a command from God.  Let's take a look at 1 Cor 7:6

"But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment." (NIV) (emphasis mine.)

Clear enough?  We need to look at scriptures in their entirety, folks!  Take the time to read and discern at least the whole paragraph.  Better yet, the whole chapter, and better, still, the whole book.  Apostle Paul was giving divinely inspired advice to married couples--not commanding "Thou Shalt Put Out On Demand."

This does not mean long-term denial is allowed.

To understand the true importance Jehovah places on Sex In Marriage, let us examine the first place this issue is directly mentioned (as far as I have been able to find, at least.)

"If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.  If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money."--Exodus 21:10-11  (NIV)

Granted, Jehovah is speaking about women (Added: actually slave wives, but it is safe to assume a free wife will have the same or more rights than a slave wife), but notice: Under the Law, denial of food, clothes OR sex was grounds for terminating a marriage.  Can you grasp the importance here?  Sex rates the same importance as food in a marriage.  Puts things in perspective, don't you think?  How long do you imagine you can be denied food before things get serious? A day, or three?  A week, or two?  Would you not concede then, that a continuous pattern of such denial represents abuse?  Keeping the food analogy going, sometimes the cupboard will be bare, or a spouse might be willing to fast.  But as soon food as is available and the fasting is over, regular meals should be served, no?

Of course, not being under the Law anymore, we are not allowed a divorce for lack of sex.  But we are obliged to live by the principles of  the Law.  And, basically, in the eyes of God as shown in the Law, sex is as important as food in a marriage, perfectly harmonizing with the concept of "one flesh."

Hence Apostle Paul's advice to render the due, which means to willingly give what is due, without waiting to be asked.  And with the word "affection" attached to "due," cold, impersonal "duty sex" is not an option.

So, while a spouse has the God-Given Right to Say "No," they most certainly do not have the right of constant refusal.  Remember, when you got married, you loved your spouse enough to commit spending the rest of your life together, with sex more than likely guaranteed and promised exclusively to, your spouse.

Both you and your spouse are equally responsible for maintaining you "cupboards" full (that's part of the His is Hers and Hers is His wording.  Ownership implies maintenance responsibilities!)  So it is your God-given duty to make whatever changes are needed in your life so that you can fulfill your duties of not depriving your spouse their due affection.  You need counseling? Get it.  Need medical treatment? Get it.

Got it?

Powerful stuff, Paul's advice, wouldn't you agree?

You are all in my prayers.

Love Is Blind--NOT

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."  1 Corinthians 13:4~8 (NIV)

This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible, makes my heart beat double-time when I read it.  Having come into the Truth, it helps me to judge how I deal with others and, especially, my bride.  Mind you, it is not always easy and sometimes, in some respects, I fail.  But it gives me a good target.

Love also has another side effect that blesses many marriages--and can seem as a curse in others.  When sexual intimacy blends harmoniously with love, something strange and somewhat creepy begins happening.  This effect is strikingly obvious to all but the ones involved.  We see it every day, everywhere.  Beauty and the Beast walk down the street holding hands and we shake our heads, thinking "love is blind."

And nothing was ever so far from the truth.

For years now, when I come across this phenomena, my heart leaps with joy and I smile.  I smile because I know the truth. I know what is really happening.  I know what they see.  Because, far be it from blind, love is divine vision. I know this because I am married to the most radiant, sensuous, voluptuous, gorgeously beautiful example of womanhood ever to have graced this side of creation (why she never believes me when I tell her is a mystery, so I try telling her at least once every day just to make sure she knows I'm serious.)  And I know I'm not that lucky.

This side effect is something to be expected and nurtured as the Scriptures tell us "Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love." (Proverbs 5:18 KJV.)   OK. I know it is aimed directly at men, but Jehovah is impartial and, after all, we are supposed to become "one flesh" with our spouse, so I'm sure this advice is also aimed at her (I hope that's not too much of a stretch.)

This allows us not just to maintain, but to also crave, an intimate sexual relationship with just our spouse, which, in turn, reinforces the effect.  In an article in Time magazine (Nov. 27, 2013), a study of males reported that hormones (namely Oxytocin) released during intimate contact with our spouses, not only made our spouses seem more attractive, but also made other women seem less attractive.  Also "A prior study by the same researchers, in fact, found that men in monogamous relationships who were given oxytocin actually kept a greater physical distance from an attractive research associate, compared with single men."  So even science indicates that intimate relations are essential to a strong marriage.

But how can such a gift from our creator become a curse?  Easy.  When intimacy is denied, this effect still remains.  And this God given craving for our spouse cannot be satisfied, leading to frustration, feelings of loneliness, depression and spiritual anguish. Just looking at your spouse walking by can bring one to tears--I know. To make matters worse, other persons begin to appear more attractive to us, leaving us exposed to Satan's tricks.

Interestingly enough, one big reason for denial of sexual intimacy turns out to be distorted image of oneself.  That is something that both spouses can strive to prevent and maybe repair in each other.

Just let your spouse see themselves through your eyes, with the divine vision of love.

I keep you all in my prayers.

Have faith.

Images courtesy of Stuart Miles, stockimages and imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Knitting an Intimate Marriage

There was a wonderful post today at ForgivenWife comparing knitting a blanket with how we should deal with marriage problems.  The bulb went on in my head, although somewhat dim at first.  After all, in this day and age, how many out there know how to knit?  (To confess: I do--something I picked up from my mother during childhood.  But I have forgotten most of it, there being too much stress in high school for boys who can knit.)  Of those out there who can knit, how many have the patience, let alone the audacity to try knitting a blanket?

Knowing something about knitting, ForgivenWife's analogy made me realize how amazingly similar this is to the task of, not just repairing, but actually making an intimate marriage. I guess one could use a weaving analogy instead; after all, the ancient Greeks used that analogy for describing how everyone's lives are intertwined in fate.  I find, however, that I prefer the knitting analogy much better.  Weaving seems like such an impersonal, mechanical thing, and, to me, doesn't convey the true relationship between husband and wife.

Knitting requires the constant interplay between two complementary needles. They move with a gentle--even sensual--motion as they pass over and around each other, always touching, guided by the knitter through an intricate, yet necessarily intimate dance to produce something unique and beautiful from a simple ball of yarn.

As Christian couples, we have the benefit of the world's greatest knitter, Jehovah. When we allow Him into our lives, we become the needles, and He will guide us through the intricate dance of life to knit a beautiful and unique marriage--just for us--from the simple yarn of love.

This is what makes intimacy so important.  When we refuse intimacy--either giving or receiving--we effectively remove our needle from the knitter's hands.  Granted, although it is sometimes possible to remove one needle and still keep the work intact, it will, at most, never be finished.  And should the other needle also be removed, then all becomes unraveled, regardless of what the knitter might prefer.

As ForgivenWife points out, at times it might be necessary to remove a thousand stitches to fix a problem. But as long as both needles remain willing to allow intimacy between them, our loving God will patiently and lovingly guide them once again though the intricate dance of life, to knit a marriage made even more beautiful by their willingness to keep themselves available to His hands.

And let's keep our crochet examples for single Christians.

Why would a Christian marriage fail?

Interesting question, eh?

After all, we're Christian.  God's on our side, right?

Wrong. Way, waaaaay wrong.

This is not about whose side God is on.

God is on God's side.  Whose side are you on?  And remember, there are only two sides to this coin.

Simply "being Christian" in no way immunizes us from the corrupting effects of this world (ref Mt 7:21-27, in particular 7:23). For God to strengthen our marriage, we have to first let him into our marriage, and then we can draw strength from him (ref Ecc 4:11-12).  True, accurate knowledge of God is required (ref Rom 1:28) to build up our faith in him, which in turn, leads to better appreciation of His grace, which gives us the motivation to further do his will, which leads us to seek more knowledge, etc.

When marriage mates deviate from God's standards, then troubles begins to creep in.  That three-fold cord starts to lose strands, and eventually comes apart and disintegrates.  Even those who remain faithful to God's standards are not guaranteed a free ride (ref 1 cor 7:27-28).  Accurate knowledge of what is within God's will is crucial.  Couples should spend time together in spiritual activities that include Bible reading and discussion of what they learn so they both have the same "game plan" and understand where each is coming from.

I named this blog RenderTheirDue because, during my search to build up my own marriage, I noticed many others in similar pain to mine.  Of course, we all like to think we are the only one suffering like this.  We're not.  And this is a good thing.  It reminds us we have a connection to all our fellow Christians, and allows us to bring comfort to those in need.  We need to remember, however, that this connection also includes our spouse.

I am lucky in that I think I now understand more fully just what the "due" is and what "render" actually means.  My problem was actually knowing "how."  And that was frustrating every effort.

The Bible does not really say "how."  But God's way is love, since God IS love (ref 1 john 4:8). And we have these wonderful connections all around us to Christians who love God.  From them, and their suffering, we can learn the "how".  In the shared love of God, we share our experiences and bring healing to each other.  And then pass that on to others--including our spouses.  And the three-fold cord now becomes a rope of such strength that it will never fail.

So, you see, the only way a Christian marriage can fail, is when it stops being Christian.

Remember EGBOK?

Have faith.

The Journey Begins

Working now for 4 years on my second marriage has not been easy.  My first marriage was basically 16 years of disaster, despair, futility and crisis.  While I will not ever excuse the ex for her behavior (in some cases, literally criminal), I did come to realize I was not entirely blameless.  So, I examined myself, made some adjustments, and thought I had become a new, improved husband 2.0.

Boy, was I wrong.

My new bride, saddled with instant-motherhood because of my 2 children (4 & 11 at the time we met), became, to say the least, stressed.  And I was not even close to being what she (or my children) needed. Also, of course, my lovely bride wanted a child of her own (actually, it was a condition for getting married).

Getting pregnant was *horrible* but I got the job done (Yes, my dearest bride, I.  You *were* horrible to me, but I love you nonetheless.)  Things went downhill from there.

WAAAY down.

Months later, we moved to a new place, far from the old, and my beautiful, youngest daughter was born a week after. Of course, things got worse.

Then the pipes broke in our house--and our life changed.

Calling 114 frantically (Yes, 114.  We do not live in the US) for a plumber, a calm-voiced gentleman told us not to panic and he would be here shortly.  As God would have it, this gentleman soon became our spiritual adviser and led us into the Truth.  Several months later, me and my lovely bride were baptized, both on the same day.

And things STILL got worse.  AARRGGHHH.

I had had enough.  I wanted a divorce (no, my love, I never told you.)  I think we were pretty good at hiding the wreck we called a marriage from others in the congregation.  But I had always kept our adviser in the loop as to how I was feeling.  And when divorce feelings came into discussion (after a long rant about my bride's shortcomings), he looked at me with a calm smile.

"You're doing something wrong," he said. (DU-UH)

"Nothing I do is good enough," I said exasperatedly. "What ELSE can I do?"

"I have no idea," he replied.

(Wide-eyed, stupid silence on my part.)

"She's YOUR wife," he explained.  "You know her better than anyone else in this world."

(CLICK) Did I?  I knew tons about her.  And then certain realities dawned on me.  I live in a foreign country and can understand about 80-90% of regular conversation (I'm a little lazy in that way.  I haven't really studied it, just picked it up).  Many times, this is OK.  But sometimes that missing 10-20% is critical...  So, what was I missing about my bride?
"She must know I love her," I said in disbelief (sound familiar to anyone?)

"She's a smart lady.  In her head, she probably does," was the reply.  "But that's not where love needs to be."

"She's still wrong for (long list again). Why doesn't anyone correct her?" I whined.

"You're the more mature Christian," he said.  Quite true.  I used to be Catholic. Grew up with faith, just wrong church.  My bride was completely un-opinionated--faith starting from scratch, so to speak. "Would it build up her faith or undermine it?" He asked.  Sometimes elders can really make you squirm into a corner.

"You're right." (Sigh of defeat)  "I know what I have to do."

Then on about how proud of my spiritual progress, big smiles.  Someone, at least, was happy.
And thus began my long journey to build my marriage into what it should be.  A year of intense personal study (scriptures, science, psychology, blogs, elders, more scriptures), constant prayer and meditation followed.

Then it was time for action.  How did it start?
A foot massage.
Get the youngest to sleep, take my bride into the bedroom, lay her down on the bed, and rub her feet.
"What are you doing?!" She squeals in surprise.
"Massaging your feet, my love," I reply, rubbing away.
"Why?" she asks suspiciously.
"Because you like it." Rub, rub, rub.
"What do you want?" She probes.
"I want to massage your feet so you can sleep better," I tell her.  Finishing up, I kiss her feet, tell her good night, and leave the room (we sleep in different rooms, mostly because I snore.  I'll get into that in another post).
Next night, same routine.  This time, massage goes up to her knees.
"You want sex," she says accusingly.
"Not tonight, my love," I lie through my teeth. Then say goodnight, and leave.

Third night, full body massage--with lotion. And extreme care NOT to touch certain places. Very "official".
"You want sex," she accuses after I'm done.
"With you, I always want sex," I admit. "I've told you that many times."
"That's why you're being nice," she complains.
"I love you, dear heart.  I'm always nice to you." Weeelllll, most of the time, I would like to think. And then we start to talk!  Deep, intimate, personal, true-to-the-heart talk!  First time in over two years!
About an hour later, somehow or another she ended up in my arms. I feel the warm-fuzzies.
"You want to make love," she says.
"I've made love to you three nights in a row now," I tell her.
She smiles. "You want sex."
"This is YOUR time, my love," I inform her. "This is about what YOU want. This is my gift to you.  It is your time to have my undivided attention, for me to let you know everyday how special you are to me."
I give her a goodnight kiss, but as I try to leave, she wraps her legs around mine. And her eyes. Wow.  That blew me away.  There was hunger in those beautiful, dark eyes.
I had thought that was gone forever, a hunger for me.
Somehow, even though it had been a long time since we'd had any relations, I managed fine.  In the afterglow, we held each other and talked some more. Wonderfully intimate talk. When she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore, I kissed her goodnight, tucked her in, then went out of the room and cried.

That was about eight months ago.

In the time since I started my personal study, the biggest change was my attitude.  My prayers changed from "make my spouse a better wife" to "make me a better husband," from "make my spouse stop hurting me" to "take away my anger and unworthy thoughts so I can be the strong pillar my wife needs."  Placing my spouses needs before mine has made all the difference, has made my attitude one of giving, not of receiving, just as God wants. And Jehovah has.made these changes for me possible (1 John 5:14).

Is all peachy now?

Heck, no.  Not by a long shot.  But it will be.

I have faith.