I am compelled to do so.
I have spent most of the last couple of years attempting to rebuild a dying marriage. This required a colossal effort in study, prayer, meditation and faith. All the while watching in futility as events spiraled downwards into a seemingly inevitable conclusion.
I had to dig very deep to find the faith I needed to keep going, even though I had previously believed faith would never be a problem. Studying God's Word with a hunger I had never before experienced, expanded that faith into a lake so deep I was able at last to drown my despair and take on the task of rebuilding my marriage with confidence. Reading dozens of scientific journals and studies allowed me to understand the chemistry and physiology driving my anger, loneliness and resentment, which Jehovah has given me the ability to bring under control with my renewed faith. Wading through the incredible number of Christian Marriage Blogs showed me I was not alone, and gave me the practical insights I needed to finally understand how I could apply all I had learned.
After eight months of applying those lessons, breakthrough!
Seeing all the pain still out there now compels me to pass on what I have learned.
I love all of you.
My heart is no longer big enough to hold hatred. There is too much love in me now thanks to Jehovah, and I cannot stand idly by why so many of you are in pain and despair. However I can, whether as a sounding board, or giving advice, or just providing a place to rant and vent frustrations, I want to avail myself to all of you out there who need a helping hand.
It helps with my own healing process.
Helping others is the best way to help oneself, as Jehovah, our God, promises mercy to those who extend mercy. Seeing the plight of others can also help bring our own suffering into perspective and give us further insight into our own difficulties. Jesus also wisely pointed out there is more happiness in giving than receiving.
So as I open my innermost thoughts in this Blog, I pray you might find it useful and may the Grace of God bring comfort to you through your trials and joy to your marriage.
I just can't freaking take it any longer. Too much rejection. Too much bitchy emotion. I am all alone and tired of it.
ReplyDeleteYou are most definitely not alone. The loneliness and frustration of repeated rejection eats away at one's sense of self worth. But please know you are not alone.
DeleteWhen the person who is supposed to be closest to you doesn't return your affections you start to doubt their feelings for you and it drives you apart little by little. An emotional spouse can also be very, *very* difficult to deal with, but, on the other hand, can also be a sign of their own feelings of rejection.
This is not a normal state in a Christian marriage and most times springs from bad communication between husband and wife. Your spouse has reason for the "bitchy emotion," just as you do for your own current emotional state. And this will not get better until the cause of your spouses emotions are dealt with. The most practical way is through counseling if you feel you have already tried all you can on your own, either within your congregation (elders/pastors/priests) or through professional counseling. You must be the judge of that.
If you are both Christian you have a better chance of finding common ground through you faith in God. Use the power of prayer, and pour out your despair and frustration onto Him. Be humble in your expectations. Change is a stressful thing that can lead down unpredictable paths, but God wants you to have a happy and joyous marriage, so he will help you make one. In the end, though, all He will do is help you to bring about change in yourself. Your spouse also has to be willing to change, and this can be a difficult thing to do.
What you can do as starters, is go through other Christian blogs, two excellent ones I follow are http://forgivenwife.com/ (Chris Taylor) and http://intimacyinmarriage.com/ (Julie Sibert), written by women, and also http://sexwithinmarriage.com/ (Jay Dee) and https://curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/ (curmudgeonlylibrarian) both of whom are men.
Feel free to vent and let off steam online; don't keep it bottled up inside. We have sympathetic ears, but do not expect us Bloggers to let you off the hook if we sense you have areas you could work on. That would be quite un-Christian on our part.
And never forget your most faithful friend, God, always has his listening ear open and is happy to hear from you.
My prayers go with you.