Friday, May 8, 2015

When you just want to give up

"Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools."--Ecc 7:9 (KJV)

I debated with myself for a long while when I first started this blog.  Many of the other blogs out there that drew my attention seem to have been started by deniers/gatekeepers after they decided to change or by couples/denied ones after recovery was full underway.

When I finally decided to post, I was fresh with enthusiasm, riding the high of apparent success. But inside I knew it was really only a turning point: after more than four years, my bride seemed to be the passionate, enthusiastic woman I had married. Yet, I feared what if it's just a blip? What if she goes back to lucky-if-once-a-quarter? Will I have been guiding people down the wrong path? And I worried about that.

Essentially, the D/G knows if they are going to turn around or not (well, maybe not that simple, but they at least know when they are going to start the process). As long as matters have not degenerated into the D/Gd becoming a D/G themselves, the D/G is still basically in control--nothing has really changed except the "default answer", and the ones being D/Gd may not even know something has changed for a while unless it's announced. That next time they should dare to initiate might just seem as one of the "lucky days" and they might not initiate again for a while.

The main point is, the D/Gd really has no control over this process. We're just passengers on this ride: we can clean the ride, grease the wheels, repair the tracks, lay new ones, etc. But we cannot make it go nor choose where it will go. Even with curmudgeonlylibrarian's The Talk(TM) all we can do is wait and see. And that, dear readers, can be frustrating.

I went ahead and started this blog, then, knowing full-well there is the chance of a not-happy-ending. But I stand by my decision because I wanted to relate to you the trials and tribulations of a D/Gd trying to set his marriage on the right track. I won't hide my lows, of which I recently experienced (and spent moping about at ForgivenWife; I find, for me, Chris has just the right mix of "cry-on-my-shoulder, stiff-kick-in-the-butt" attitude) one. You pray, suck-it-up, and keep going. My elders are happy, at least. Their advice is the same as always: Just give it another chance.

So I do. I keep Jeremiah 17:9's advice firmly in mind, you know: "The human heart is deceitful..."  Keep your mind focused on the love you know you had and can still remember for your spouse. That your heart, even filled right now with resentment and loneliness, can once again be filled with that joy you had at the beginning and even surpass it if you just stay the course. Never give up. Never surrender. Never compromise your standing with God by contemplating anything other than Loving Your Spouse.

And, as always, take in comfort from Jehovah:

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."--1 Peter 5:6-11  (NKJV)

You are all in my prayers.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at


  1. CSL, here, with profile problems.....

    You said, "Never compromise your standing with God by contemplating anything other than Loving Your Spouse."

    When did Jesus stop loving the scribes and Pharisees that he called "brook of vipers"? When did Jesus start hating the moneychangers in the Temple?

    1. Sorry, CSL.

      That blew by me a little fast.

      Where do scribes and Pharisees and money-changers come in to relation here?

      And if we were Jesus, this and all the other marriage blogs would be quite unnecessary, don't you agree?

      You're right, I said "Never compromise your standing with God by contemplating anything other than Loving Your Spouse."

      Would Jesus had advised against this?

      Have you been denied? Have you looked at the responses of those who have been, spoken to them, see how close they come to or actually do stop Loving Their Spouses? How that now brings them into sin?

      I know you are wiser than that.


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